My Pink Taco...

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 21:24:28 GMT

well.

i got five kisses.
FIVE!
at one time!!!

he's not really the affectionate type either!
i guess he really does like me.
all his friends say he does.

i'm happy.

cute.

Wed, 12 Jul 2006 00:35:53 GMT

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Mon, 10 Jul 2006 00:45:12 GMT

last night was amazing.
<3

oh man.

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 20:46:16 GMT

so the fourth was pretty amazing. i went to west jordan park with kristen and we met ryan there. me and ryan watched fireworks and then after it was done he hugged and and held me and asked what i was doing the next day and then we kissed, and hugged again. it was like..... cute and stuff. i like the boy. i was drunk last night and i promised that i would call him .. so i did and he was worried and told me to be careful. i told him i like him.. and he said it back. then he called me sweet. and thats all i can remember. hahaa. we're supposed to hangout today. i'm so shy around him. and thats just awkard because i am never shy at all. i don't know what my problem is. oh well. he is such a sweet kid. dallas would be so mad if i went out with ryan though. so i don't know what to do. last night i asked dallas why he doesnt talk to me or anything anymore and he said it was because i made him sad. and then he wouldnt tell me why or how i did. he is such an ass.

don't hate the player baby, hate the game.

Tue, 04 Jul 2006 16:38:37 GMT

hi my name is billie and i have an Erotophobia

Erotophobia- Fear of sexual love

is that weird? i just dont want to have sex and be left. i have had friends that have experianced that.
how do you know if you can trust someone? i want to be in love.. i want someone to have those kind of
feeling for me..sometimes when you look around and your best friends are with someone that they both
care about like that it makes you sad. and you think you could have had that if you didnt fuck everything over
with a certain boy. but then when you have that, you are so scared that they are going to hurt you . and 60% of the
time thats what will happen. i dont know maybe i am just scared..

last night i was with alot of people at riches house, we watched fireworks.. and me and Ryan kissed. he held me
in his arms and asked what i was doing tomarrow. he really is such a sweet boy. but chris says nes italian and a
sweet talker, and he doent know if he likes me. but he tells me he likes me. oh man i dont even know anymore.
he says the cutest things. but then again i miss dallas alot. i miss kissing him and talking to him on the phone
everynight. i really hate this. it happens everytime.

i have decided my real true best friends are chris carter, collin salee, shauntay leonhardt, cheltsy drake, and kristen labaw.
they have been there and helped me so much through alot of shit. even though chris can be an ass. its okay though. i love
him.

well its the 4th of july. and i have to go call collin.
Peace&Love.

Mon, 03 Jul 2006 18:44:20 GMT

alright so tell me if i was wrong to do this:

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Big D Coch
Date: Jul 1, 2006 4:09 PM

billie if you dont like me anymore please tell me
cuz i want ask you out but im getting the feelin
that you dont like me much anymore I love you soooo much
-----------------------
From: Billie-hates bitches.
Date: Jul 1, 2006 3:14 PM

dallas:
i do stilll like you.
but like no offense or anything..but like i think
you are really immature..dont get mad because i said that.
i think when you learn how to treat girls then i
will contenue pursuing you.

i love you.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
now was that so bad to make a boy stop talking to me?
seriously. i just told him the truth and he needed to hear it.
oh weellll...

anways. i like this other boy as well .. his name is Ryan. he is
like pretty much the best cuddler there is. and he knows how to
actually treat girls. i always end up with the assholes and i decided
i am done with them. and Ryan is not an asshole.
plus: hes romantic. hahaha

I have been getting drunk like every weekend lately.
it is kinda fun. i like getting drunk with the people i love.
me and collin have deep talks about nothing. and i always end
up cuddling with someone. its pretty cute.
i love everyone that goes over there.

Warped Tour is on its way! i am so excited! only 19 more days baby!
My favorite band is going ...

How do you know if you really like someone?
like really really like them?
because i think i really really like Ryan.

someone tell me. haha.

Peace&Love

Tue, 13 Jun 2006 01:09:26 GMT

i miss the old days,
but i love the new ones.
i love spending time with the
people i care about most.
this summer i'm pretty sure
my life is going to change.
but it's a good change i think.
maybe it will make someone
realize how much i like him.
and maybe he won't care as much as
he does about what his bestfriend thinks.

my life has been great since the last time
i have written in here.
i spent saturday night with two of my
favoritest people in the world.
and i just felt happy.
i feel like i can talk to them about
anything and not have to worry about anything.
and thats a very good thing.

my summer is going to be good i think.
so far is it pretty good.
i haven't dont any drugs.
i'm very proud of myself for that.
everyone at my house fights constently
so i am never home.
i hate being around all the yelling it really get's old.
i hate how my mom is a clean freak.
and all my dad does is pick fights.
my sister is alway's with that girl now.
but i'm happy for her.

so you think you can tell
heaven from hell
blue skies from rain
can you tell a green field
from a cold steel rail
a smile from a veil
do you think you can tell

did they get you to trade
your heroes for ghosts
hot ashes for trees
hot air for the cool breeze
cold comfort for change
did you exchange
a walk on part in a war
for a lead role in a cage

how i wish you were here
we're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl
year after year
running over the same old ground
of how we found
the same old tears
wish you were here

Wed, 03 May 2006 21:29:08 GMT

man oh man.....
im really in a big pickle.
I really like this boy and he says he
r e a l l y l i k e s m e t o o.
but i dont wanna hurt this other boy..
but i dont know know what to do.
please help me
<3// b i l l i e

Press Your Heart Fuck Your Heart

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 23:21:59 GMT

Today is the day i started living.

Don't be afraid of the things that lie ahead.
Once you concore them,
It almost feel's as if you have the whole world in your hands.

Follow your heart not your head.
Because in the end you might
End up regretting your decision.

Boys will be Boys.

Words of Advice:
Don't leave the one you Love
for the one you Like.
Because the one you like
will leave you for the one they Love\\

Trust me on that one.
Been there Done that.

I do have to admit... I have been a little to
Friendly with a few boys lately.
But hey.. sometimes you need it.

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+

My Mouth Is Full Of Love My Head Is Held In Shame

With Your Lips Pressed Tightly Up Against His Head
Does Your Body Still Scream My Name?

=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+=+

Sun, 05 Mar 2006 18:41:46 GMT

Sat, 04 Mar 2006 22:14:44 GMT

if i told you the truth now, would you still leave and take my heart?

goddamnit.
ilovehim.
ilovehim
ilovehim
ilovehim
ilovehim
ilovehim

i dont want it to
turn out like all
the other boys
i "liked" someone
help me.
give me reinsurance.
please.
im driving myself insane.
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek

"if you really loved him you wouldnt
need reinsurance"
ha trust me its not that easy...........
FUCK!

jesus christ.
fuck me.
you guys have no idea.
these words they change everything.
"i love you suga" he says
"i love you too suga" i say.
shit.
shit
shit
shit
shit
shit
shit

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAHBLAH

I STILL FEEL UGLY , BUT YOUR UGLY JUST LIKE ME.
I STILL FEEL EMPTY, WILL I ALWAYS LOSE THIS GAME?

Chelsty i do believe you are really the only one
that i will listen to .. haha. but yeah...............
just if i say im giving up.. (which im not)
smack me in the fucking face or something.
please.
i never want to lose him. hes my ...
i dont even know how to explain it.
and i know im going to fuck it up.
i can feel it. and i dont want to hurt him.
hahha
kay im done.
thanks.

xxoxoxooxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxooxoxoxox

Sat, 04 Mar 2006 16:41:57 GMT

If I told you the truth now,
Would you still leave and take my heart?
^{_{And I still feel ugly but you're ugly just like me.}}When I told you the truth now,
Would you still leave, will you ever change?
And I still feel empty.
~~Will I always lose this game?~~

This is everything I've wanted to show you
I'm no longer scared of anything about you
~~I lived through the damage of the heart you took from me~~
And I'm tired of still wanting.

Cheltsy:
iloveyou. so much you have no idea. and i miss the cheltsy i used to know.
i feel like im not even close with you anymore. and i want that back.
we were unseperable weekend after weekend. sometimes even weekdays.
damnit. i hate this feeling. and i want to change it. your not losing me to any boys.
or girls for that fact. i promise you. i feel like im losing you..... im not going to say anything.
because i dont want to start any drama. but you know i will ALWAYS always love you.
you are my best friend and always will be, we have been through to much to just
slip apart like this. i really dont want to lose you. im sorry for how i have been acting.
but yeah. ~~i love you. alot. dont ever forget it.~~

wow. alot has happened since i last wrote in here.
just a little update with the whole emo Jeremy thing:
he's gunna ask me out but he wants to do it in a "cool"
way. thats what he said to cody on the phone last night
i heard with my own ear!

yeah so i have been hanging out with cody alot lately.
we're really good friends. if you were to put a video camera
without any sound in his car and we didnt know about it
you would probably think we were on crack or retarded.
we have so much fun. . . i hope things dont change.
i dont know why it would but eh. . you get it.

so im 16 now. my birthday sucked ass. it was fucking
gay and horrible. i hated it.

i havent smoke weed for like 1 month or 2 now.
im pretty proud of myself.

damnit. i want to gauge my ears bigger...
i think its time for a new color in my hair.
i dont know what color tho.

when someone tells you they love you...
what do you say back...?
i love you too suga.
i know im "too young" to love
but i really have never had strong
feelings like this for a stupid boy.

i'll prove you all wrong. all of you.

anyways im done.

iloveyou ......
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox

Tue, 21 Feb 2006 23:58:58 GMT

~~blah blah~~ ~~blah.~~.
fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

awkardness........fuckkkkkk.
ihatefuckingboysihatethem.
it hurts.

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 20:53:40 GMT

I’ve sure enjoyed the rain
But I’m looking forward to the sun
You have to feel the pain
When you lose the love you gave someone

i think i am finally going to tell him how i feel. and hopefully it will turn out good. i think it will because i talked to him on the phone today and he said something in spanish and i was like what dos that mean? and hes like it means your my meat haha because he was eating a sandwich. ahah so like he ment that without me he would have a plain snadwich. hahahaha. funny huh? hes so damn cute.

iloveyouall.

<3333333333333333333333

Thu, 09 Feb 2006 02:50:07 GMT

Oh my god have I done it again??

i have been great the past few days! dammnn it feels good. lets just hope i dont fuck it over by the time saturday comes/// as you all know The Rest show is saturday. woooh! im so excited.

my birthday is pretty much in like 5 days. yep... cant wait. I really like jeremy as you all know. haha. and today i found out he is not with kristy . . . and it made me happy. like woah. my exact thoughts were when i heard that were "I still have a chance! maybe it will all work out!" and i think its going to ... because if he didnt like me anymore he wouldnt have hugged me twice at hollywood. . . yeah.. hahaa im pathetic.

sshhheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh i really dont want to go to school tomarrow. but ill live.

iloveyouall.

<3333333333333333333333

Sun, 05 Feb 2006 18:04:19 GMT

[Hand of blood, I don't wanna feel, my heart is breaking]
[Hand of blood, I don't wanna see, my life is burning]

i have had a really good weekend. so my birthday is coming up in like nine days! i cant wait. and The Rest show is in like six days and i cant wait for that either. i had a really bad dream last night, it was so bad i couldnt go back to sleep so i got up and took a shower.

so i spent the whole weekend with Chelts. and it was great. i love her so much. shes my other half. i really kinda forgot how much fun we have when we are together. and i dont ever want to forget that again.

yeah yeah yeah yeah.

hahahah those are some pretty goddadmn funny pictures.we had fun.

<333333333333333

f u c k i t a l l a w a y <3

Fri, 03 Feb 2006 04:14:45 GMT

she will always live forever.

i wish i was special... your so fucking special..

:] so i have been through alot ALOT in the past few days of this week. yeah i went to JRC not DT. yeah i lied. yeah i told a few people that i do love that i hate them. yeah people try to take away my best friend. but im over it.. im not going to hold on to the past...im trying to get up on top again. and it feels good so far. im tired of fucking up. im getting better grades in school and going to all of my classes. and on top of that im ungrounded tommarow. i know i havent been myself lately and that is no-ones fault but my own so dont go blaming anything on someone you dont like. im tired of not being happy all the time anymore. and im going to go back to my old self. ha. im happy now. im moveing on with my life.

yeah

.i love you all.

Sat, 28 Jan 2006 01:52:16 GMT

i am grounded for the next two weeks. no getting out of it. goddamnit i need to pull my head out of my ass. fuck. i have come to the conclusion that i hate females. not all of them but most of them. i dont know why you can see whats right in front of you until its gone and then you want to do something about it. . . i mean i can speak something about that with some experiance. and yeah it does hurt to see them together and him not writing me or calling or talking to me anymore... the only thing he does when he sees me now is pat me on the head like i am some fucking 5 year old girl with a crush on an older boy. fuck that ... that is fucked up. but i will eventually get over it. no more monkey business for me. i want someone that is going to be there when i need him... someone that doesnt say he has to focus on the band and then go for his ex. someone that doesnt lead me on and drop me like i was just a peice of shit. yeah ill find it... "maybe he needs some time... afterall it was his first love".....they all say to me... well.... i cant wait forever..... but i probably will but thats beside the fact. you know what i mean?

and this is him....... look at him... he's.. i dont even know. but i love it. and i dont care what any of you say. . . im not obssesed this is just the first boy i have ever felt like this.... and i know all of you are going to say you have said that before but i am serious this time. . . how long have i liked him? yeah bitches... you know i basically had him and i still liked him so you know its different. goddamnit. i hate feelings. especially these kinds. sometimes i feel like i hate him but the truth is.... i could never hate him. that icon basically explains everything right now. ha. yeah.

sooo.... um while im pulling my head out of my asssss... i hope all of you are doing better than i am.

i love you all.

<333333333333333333

Sat, 21 Jan 2006 07:10:59 GMT

Well. just to let you all know. i am done talking about this boy jeremy. don't you hate when things go wrong? blah blah blah

laskdjflaskdg;laksdglksdg;lskagh;asldkgas

FUCK

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 23:59:07 GMT

why is it that i keep liking even when everyone knows nothing is going to happen? im so tired of waiting and hearing all this shit between other people and him. fuck. if he really liked me as much as all of them tell me he does ..... wouldnt he make an effort to call me or come and see now that his car is fixed? no .... of course not. ffffffffuuuuuuuuuck. i fucking hate you. but i like you soo much you have no idea. i really wish you would realize things that are right in front of your face. but you dont. i thought alot ALOT about you all day and i think i may have reahced my conclusion based on the help of my friends. i dont think i am going to be seeing you anytime soon. or talking to you......course you could probably give a fuck because you have your "best fucking friend"....... you say you like me alot . . and you would do anything to be with me? but then you say you have to "focus on the band" and i can understand that. but the other boys in the fucking band have girlfriends and they look like their focusing just fine dont they? goddamnit. i feeel like shit. i really wish i could telll you i feel this way. . but i never see you anymore.. . people tell me all this shit and most of it is good. but fuck . i dont know wether to beleive it or not. its like when your with me we're together but when your not with me your with her. i really do feel like shit. now i know how it hurts when you just basically never get to see the person you like alot. i guess im just getting what i dished out huh? yep. sdlaksdglq3lrkhgqkegoshrgoihq3bhq3oghla;skdhglaksdhglkasdhgoidhasgoldfajsdogkhadlkgalsdk

ksdfjhaskdjghk;asjdhgkjsdhg;jkashd;ghas;dkgh

fuckiti'mdone

p o l i s h e d r o c k :: </3

Tue, 17 Jan 2006 22:52:19 GMT

beat and broken::

i wish i could fly away, leave all my worries behind me. but dont we all ? "it happens to the best of us," she says. but somehow i dont beleive that. if it really happened to the best of us.......... we would not be wear we are today. you probably wouldnt even know what i am talking about but ehhh... maybe. the past few days i have had alot of time to think. . . and i have come to the conclusion that you shouldnt have to change or wait for someone you want to be with.

you shouldnt have to wait::: especially when they say they like you ALOT back, but if you really like that person you will wait.... kind of like i am doing now, sometimes i think its pointless.
you shouldnt have to change:: because you are who you are. you shouldnt have to change the things you do or the things you say for someone to accept you for you. but the same as the first one .. if you really like that person enough you will change. i passed up mary jane twice ..... just for someone i care alot about . . and he doesnt even know that i did that.

when you have good memorys with someone you hold on to them . . and try to block out the fighting and the screaming. but sometimes when your alone thats all you can think about. when you love someone enough you will do almost anything for them. my parents told me once:: that they love me so much its unexplainable in words. sometimes i think im shit because i dont give them the respect they deserve.

when your in love and you lose that person you keep things. and every little thing reminds you of them. isnt that right manda? and im sure it hurts you to see them with other people but you have to learn to be happy for them.. right? i dont know. . i have never experianced that kind of thing. but i would like to. there is not a relationship that is perfect.

"who do you hate the most right now?" he asks..... "i dont hate people, i dislike people with a passion." i am a very caring person. . even though it doesnt show sometimes. . i know im not nice all the time or whatever. . . but when i say something that hurt you.... i probably didnt mean it. and if i did you must have done something wrong. i dont talk to people about my problems anymore. i dont know why. i guess i dont really want to trust anyone anymore . . because of all this shit that has been going on lately. i'll be fine though. ill probably have a breakdown in a few days. but i'll be fine.

i l o v e y o u a l l < 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3

g u i d e m e <3

Sun, 15 Jan 2006 20:13:46 GMT

&& he was standing there.. he was the answer to my prayers.

there you have it. i beleive there are angels among us. and some of them are people . ha sounds crazy huh? not to me. you never realize how much you appreciate things until they are no longer there.i wouldnt even know what i would do if i lost one of you guys. even people that i have only hungout with once... i would still cry and want what we shared back.

if someone you like doesnt like you like you like them back . . . dont give up. at least they like as a friend. ive learned that over the days. i dont kno what goes through boys heads. and they have no idea what goes through ours. even though i wish things could be different at this moment in time... it probably wont happen but hey .. i really am glad i have him as a friend.

i could never kill anyone. knowing that they have a family and someone that loves them. just thinking how they would feel. . it hurts. i care about alot of people. even if i dont show it sometimes . . its there. you cant always get what you want. but dont give up. ha i think i am just blabbering. i wish i could tell jeremy how i really feel about him. . . i think he knows but there are things he doesnt. . . and i know he will listen. but then there collin.

collin is a boy i really care about. and jeremy is a boy i really care about. this is hard for me. because i dont mean to talk about jeremy when im with people but i do. and collin thinks he is just my sideman. but its not like that. i would do anything for both of those boys. i dont know what to do. anyone have any advice? please.

relationships are very complicated. i see all these people in bad relaionships and it makes me scared that if i get in one im going to get hurt. . . but then i see the good ones and i think that i want one. But the thing is i really only want to be with one person. im sure all of you know who that is. ha, no im not obssesed . its just i really like jeremy. he doesnt . . . . i dont even know.

how do you know you are in with love someone? im not saying i am in love with him . . i dont even want to say that. its scary. ha. im such a little kid. thats it. i need advice. please help me.

<333333333333333 love you all.

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 22:41:38 GMT

i want something like this. you can tell they love eachother alot. its just a feeling you get from the picture that they are happy.

s u c k s

Mon, 09 Jan 2006 04:33:44 GMT

why cant people except people for who they are and not what they do. this is the first time i have actually really really liked someone like this. you have no idea. i feel like i can tell him anything. he makes all my worries go away. i just wish he could see that. the little things mean make a big differance. i would do anything to make this boy happy. it ment alot to me that he didnt go after her. even though that sounds messed up. but ..... i .. have really never felt like this before about some stupid boy. what do i do? i think about it all the time. i dont know what to do.

Mon, 02 Jan 2006 03:17:38 GMT

Did you ever see that one person
and the way they do these things
and it hurts you so much it's like choking choking choking
down the embers
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

it hurts:: to see others hurt.

it hurts:: to feel what others feel.

it hurts:: to see lies.

it hurts:: to see someone close to you sad.

it hurts:: to see them together.

it hurts:: to know that i'll never have something like they had.

it hurts:: when people change.

it hurts:: it all hurts so bad.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

i hate to see her face and his and to know that they were once happy. and then i came along and fucked everything up for them. im sorry. im sorry. i know i will learn one day. i know. i know. amanda im sorry. im sorry i didnt listen to you. im sorry i dropped all of you off like peices of shit. i have no heart, no feelings for anyone but myself. fuck. im sorry. your right. the boys really dont like me because of me. they all just want to be able to brag about how they got down some girls pants. im sorry for not listening. i feel like shit. i wish you would know not to bring her around. it hurts to know that you were once happy. it hurts to know that night when we first hungout you and her were happy.

=_=_=_=_=_=_=_=_=_=_=_=_=_=_=_=_=_=_=_=_=_=

Did you ever look, did you ever see that one person,
and the subtle way that they do these things and it hurts so much?
So much like choking down the embers of a great blaze.
It's that moment when your eyes seem to spread aspersions
and to scream confessions at the insipid sky parting clouds.
You let this one person come down in the most perfect moment.
And it breaks my heart to know the only reason you are here now is
A reminder of what I'll never have
I'll never have... I'll never...
Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in.
Standing so close knowing that it kills me to breathe you in.
But this table for one has become bearable.
I now take comfort in this, and for this, I cherish you.
I cherish you...I cherish you.

\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//\\//

She's finally seen she's a beautiful girl with a smile so grand she could stop the world
Stolen her skin he sews her mouth shut, means nothing to him, her screams just die out
As she cries out here voice dies out
As she cries out her voice dies out
Love once inside her heart, lay in my hands
Was it asked for?
Was it implied?
What could have been done?
Inside her mind dies.

--------------------------------------------------------------------